By Chefchen
Last update: 2015-11-04
This story I found on a German Diaper Forum, where it was posted in 2004, but apparently not by the writer, so the story might be older yet. The story has some similarities with Sabine Furst and Annika, and I really enjoy it. Since it is unlikely that I will ever find the person who wrote it, I decided to do a translation and publish it on my site without actual permission, but if the writer finds this, I hope (s)he will contact me so I can ask and give credit.
For the translation I mostly kept faithfully to the original, but with an occasional note or tiny embellishment added.
The original (in German) is found at: WB-community
Hello, my name is Hanna, I'm in my early twenties, live in a village in the north of Germany, and want to relate to you how I started using diapers.
When I was 9½ years old, my father died in a work-related accident. Because he was very well insured, my mother and me could continue living in our quiet and remote, beautiful house - there were no financial difficulties. But mother kept on working as a seamstress from morning until noon. That way we could still spend a lot of time together, and during the years we built a good mother-daughter relation, and even became true friends.
It was while I was 10 that I started sleepwalking. At first we considered it funny, but then I also went into the garden during my sleep, and my mother saw me standing before an open window on the first floor. It wasn't funny anymore, and we visited specialist after specialist, to cure my somnambulism, but none supplied a solution.
Mother was upset each time during the full moon, because she was always afraid that I might hurt myself during the sleepwalking. One day, when the moon was almost fully waxed again, she came back from work with a package.
"I have something for you here" she said, "let's go into your room". Curious I followed her and watched her unwrapping the package. First I thought she had brought me a blanket, but when she put it onto my bed I noticed that it was a sleep sack, like for small children, with holes for the arms, but then so big that I would fit into it, as far as I could make out. Down the middle was a long zipper that went all the way from the top to the bottom and closed downwards. On the left and right side there were four eyelets each; the first two at shoulder height, then under the armpits, the third at hip height and the fourth at the bottom.
"You're not serious?" I blurted, "For sure I am not going to wear that thing; I'm not a baby anymore".
"Pay attention Hanna, I make you an offer: you only need to wear this during the full moon. You need to humor me, because otherwise I won't get any sleep for a week, and I can no longer take that."
"No, definitely not. You can't make me."
"Do you really think so, young lady?" she asked, straightened the sleep sack on the bed, and quickly attached the eyelets with sturdy straps to the bed frame.
"Today starts the week of full moon again, and whether you like it or not, you will be spending the next seven nights fixated in the sleep sack."
The whole day I was sweet as pie and anticipated her every wish, but it didn't help a thing: when it was time to go to bed and I came out of the bathroom, my mother was already waiting for me in my bedroom. She opened the long zipper and told me in an authoritative voice "You will be a good girl and lie down in the sleep sack now, Hanna."
I had no option but to do as she said, so against my will I crawled into it. I needed to put my arms through the holes, and then she connected the zipper and closed it all the way to the bottom.
"I can't move at all" I complained.
"Sure you can, Hanna, there is plenty of leeway" she refuted, put the duvet over me and kissed me good night: "Sleep well, my dear, and sweet dreams."
So now I was trapped in this dreadful sleep sack and could not free myself. First I tried how much wiggle room I had left. I could still turn on my left and right side, but it was not possible to sit up and reach the zipper pull at the bottom. I couldn't pull the bottom up either, because she had also strapped the bag to the bed on that end. Then I tried to pull my arms in though the armholes, but that proved to be impossible too, because the sleep sack fit closely at chest height. And even then it wouldn't have done me any good, since the neck opening was too small anyhow. I twisted left and right, tried to lift my body up, but it was all for nothing; there was no way out.
Angry and frustrated I lay in my bed and considered how I could get my mother to do away with the sleep sack, but nothing came to me. When the next morning I awoke early because of the restraint, an idea did come to me, and I put it into practice right away: I wet the bed for all my bladder was worth. But at first that wasn't so easy: it just wouldn't come, and only after I squeezed out the first few drops, the floodgates opened.
It was definitely no fun to keep lying in the wet bed, but a short while later Mama came finally into my room to release me from the sleep sack. She had just opened the zipper when she noticed the wet mess.
"I couldn't help it - that happened because you tied me down" I quickly called out, before she could say anything.
"oh, OK" was all she said and sent me to the shower. Even before breakfast the sleep sack was already in the washing machine, and when I came back home in the afternoon the bag was on my bed again, attached with the straps to the bed frame. The following night I wet the bed once more, but when my mother saw the mess the next morning when she released me from the sleep sack, she stared at me with a look in her eyes that promised nothing good.
When I came home from school that afternoon and we had lunch, my mother spurred me on to quickly do my homework, since we had to go shopping in the next town. Later, when we were in the car and were driving in the direction of the nearest larger town, I asked her what shops she was planning on visiting.
"Just let yourself be surprised" she answered, and hinted that we were going to buy something especially for me.
She wouldn't elaborate further, and I speculated if I perhaps was going to get those cool jeans that I saw last week in a store window. We parked the car in a large parking lot, only 300 meter from the town center. Single-mindedly I started off towards the jeans shop, but was stopped my my mother. "We go in here" she said and pushed me through the doors of a store that I had never been to before.
"Well", I considered, "what kind of store is this?" but I would experience quick enough what its connection to me was.
A young woman stood behind the counter, and asked what she could help us with.
"My daughter has recently developed severe bladder problems and wets at night; therefore I need diapers for her."
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I must have turned a bright shade of red, because the sales lady told me: "You don't have to feel bad about it; many others have exactly the same problem. Nowadays there are really good diapers, which are almost like normal underwear."
But what she showed us next really had nothing to do with normal underwear. She showed mother a variety of diaper pants, inlays, etc, while I stood there silently and wanted to be swallowed into the earth. Mother quickly decided for rather thick night diapers, and the sales lady offered me to put one on to determine if it was the right size. Therefore I needed to go into a changing room with this lady, lower my pants, and she put the diaper on me.
"Fits great" she said professionally and asked me if I wanted to keep it on.
"Oh no, no way" I replied startled, which caused the sales lady to smile understandingly.
"Don't worry" she told me, "in a few days you are so used to the diapers that you won't even notice them anymore".
I shrugged wordlessly, pulled my pants back up and went back into the store. Mother had by then purchased two large packs of thick diapers, and also a pack of big inlays. I just wanted to leave the store as quickly as possible, but the sales lady suggested that my mother should also take a few pairs of rubber diaper pants for safety, so that the bed would stay dry in case of overflow.
At the mention of keeping the bed dry my mother reacted quickly and inspected several pairs of diaper pants.
While I was close to tears she took her time and studied different ones at her leisure.
"What color would you like" she asked me, but I just shrugged, while I couldn't care less. So she picked a yellow, a red and a pink pair, let them be wrapped up and paid for it all. She required me to carry two of the bags and we went back to the car. Those were the longest 300 meter of my life, because everybody could see that I was carrying a pack of diapers, so I was overjoyed to be finally back in the car.
Instead of going directly home, mother stopped at a drug store and commanded me to go inside. At the baby isle she stopped and loaded several things in the cart: wipes, oil, powder and cream. Luckily there was no row at the register, but the cashier, when she saw the things my mother had selected, couldn't resist a glance in my direction and started to grin; apparently she could guess that the things were for me. And when I turned bright red, she had to know for sure, and I felt like a small child for the second time that day.
When we were back in the car and were driving back home, there was no doubt in my mind that my mother really wanted to put me back in diapers.
Back home the car was unloaded and the diapering equipment brought to my room, where mother immediately stored it close at hand in the cupboards and on a shelf. I quickly left on my bike to a friend in the village, where I spent the rest of the afternoon, and only came back for dinner. The closer I got to home, the more I had to think about what was to happen to me that evening, and I decided to tell my mother that I had wet the bed on purpose - she would surely then refrain from putting me in a diaper.
After dinner I helped her with the dishes, and then we went back into the living room to watch some TV. As usual I went to the bathroom, to prepare for the night. After washing, brushing my teeth and changing into a nightgown, I went into my room, where my mother was already waiting for me.
"You took your time" she reflected and ordered me to pull up the night gown and lie down on the bed, where she had spread out a bathing towel. Because I was sure she was going to put me in a diaper, I kept standing next to the bed and told her:
"Mother, I want to tell you the truth: I wet the bed on purpose the past two days, to convince you to no longer restrain me in the sleep sack. Please don't put diapers on me; I'm already ten years old and that would be quite ridiculous. I also promise to never wet the bed again. Really. Scouts honor."
"That is exactly what I assumed, young lady, and although I'm really glad you told me honestly, it won't change the fact that you'll be diapered for the time being. And now I don't want to hear another word - pull up your nightgown and lie down on the towel."
Furious I pulled the nightgown up and tossed myself on the bed, while mother picked up the diaper that was already waiting, and ordered me to lift my behind. She pulled the diaper, to which she had even added one of those thick inlays, under my bottom, took the jar of baby cream and said: "Spread those legs nicely for me, Hanna, because I need to put cream on to prevent diaper rash."
Since I was a big girl already, and it was years ago since my mother washed me, it was shameful for me to spread my legs. At first I was tempted to refuse, but when I saw her severe glance I obeyed. She thoroughly applied cream everywhere, wiped the remaining cream from her hands, pulled the diaper up between my legs, pulled it tight and closed the tapes. Finally she pulled diaper pants over my feet and further up, and required me to lift my behind once more, so she could pull them over the diaper.
"So" she reckoned, "you are fully equipped for the night, and this time the bed should stay dry. Actually you look rather cute with the diaper on; why don't you go take a look in the large mirror in the hallway and see for yourself?"
At first my pride wouldn't let me, but then curiosity won. So I stood up, felt the thick diaper package between my legs for the first time, waggled to the hallway, pulled up my nightgown and looked in the mirror. Well, OK, it didn't look as bad as I had feared, and somehow it even appealed to me a bit, though I would never admit that, because the diaper was forced on me and that really rubbed me the wrong way.
"It looks totally ridiculous" I told my mother, who didn't care.
"But now it is bedtime" she told me and ready or not, I had to get into the sleep sack again, which she quickly closed up once more. After she put the duvet over me and kissed me goodnight, she said "Sleep well, my little diaper girl, tomorrow is Saturday and we can both sleep a bit late."
"Good night mama" I said and thought to myself that I wouldn't be able to sleep at all with that thick package between my legs, because the feeling was just too unusual and weird. I did lie awake for a long while, and normally I would have gotten up to get something to read, but I could forget about that now.
That way I had no other option than to wait until sleep finally came, restrained and diapered as I was. "Why had I been so stupid to wet the bed? I should have known that I wouldn't be able to outwit mother" I thought, but then fell asleep quickly, anyhow.
Early morning I awoke again, but only because of the pressure of my bladder. "This can't be true" I thought and wondered if I should call mother, but because I knew she wanted to sleep late, I stayed quiet. But the pressure grew stronger and it became more and more uncomfortable, so I started pressing my legs together, but in the end gave up and just let it flow. First the area became warm, then it felt a little moist, but after a little while that disappeared as well. Promptly I fell asleep again, and only woke when my mother opened the curtains in my room and daylight entered.
"So, darling, did you sleep well?" she wanted to know.
"Hmm, rather well" I answered and like normal tried to get up, which of course the sleep sack prevented.
"I'll make us breakfast" mother said, "you can lie a bit longer".
"No, I don't want to stay in bed anymore, but get up" I replied.
"Everything in its time, Hanna, I know you're safe in here and when breakfast is ready I'm coming back and then you can get up."
It couldn't be true; here I was not only diapered and tied to the bed like a little child, but also treated like a baby. From pure frustration and in full control I let go of my bladder again and emptied its whole content, hoping fervently that it would overflow.
It seemed endless to me before my mother came back into my room and freed me from my sleep sack. As soon as I got up, I checked for wet spots in my bed or on my night gown, but apparently everything was still dry, although my diaper hung heavy and low between my legs. Of course my mother noticed me looking, and checked suspiciously if I had again made the bed wet, but she concluded gladly that there were no traces of nightly accidents.
"Thank god" she said relieved, "I was already afraid that you had developed into a bet wetter, and if you had soaked the bed once more this night, you wouldn't be out of diapers for a long time, but now I think that we might leave the diapering behind."
There I stood as struck by lightning and didn't know what to say. I wished I hadn't peed into the diaper, so that I would be free of them again, but how could I hide the wet diaper from my mother? Lying I didn't want to do either and I was still thinking feverishly how I could explain the wet diaper to her, when she looked at me, stopped short, pulled up my night gown and felt the diaper. Obviously she immediately noticed that I hadn't stayed dry again.
She looked at me quite seriously and said: "Now I am not so sure if your wetting was intentional or another accident, but it doesn't matter anymore." Strangely enough she didn't say anything more, but I had a bad feeling about this. Then she suggested that we would have breakfast first.
In the weekends we always had breakfast in our nightwear, but this time I wanted to go into the bathroom first and get rid of my wet diaper, but mother's opinion was set in stone: "We are not going to change our routine now; into the kitchen with you." she ordered.
It was a weird feeling to sit at the breakfast table with a wet diaper, but I didn't dare protest. Breakfast lasted endlessly, because mother, after I had finished, took another slice of toast, then a cup of coffee, and after that another one, so that I slowly got the impression that she was punishing me that way. I wasn't even allowed to help clear the table - I was to stay quietly in my seat she decided and I thought I saw a strange smile on her face, that I couldn't explain.
Then at last we went into the bathroom, where I wanted to take off my night gown, but mother said "I will do that for you", opened the three buttons and pulled the gown over my head, which to me seemed rather stupid, since I had done that myself for years. She also removed the diaper pants and freed me from the quite full diaper.
"It really paid off for you to have worn the diaper" she said, "otherwise your bed would have been soaked once more. I think we need to put you in diapers again for the coming period - what about you?"
What could I answer? I could hardly admit that I wet again on purpose, since that would have made her quite angry with me, so I just replied obediently "Yes mother, perhaps that would be best.", to which she nodded satisfied and smiled.
Strangely enough I wasn't even allowed to shower on my own, because mama insisted on soaping and washing me, and subsequently rubbing me dry with a large towel. She hadn't done that for years, and honestly it wasn't that bad at all, which, I believe, she also noticed.
After my long hair was blow-dried, I went into my room to get dressed, but curiously my mother followed me. I was just taking a pair of panties from the drawer when she called "You won't need those" and waved a diaper, that she took from the shelf, in the air.
Startled I stared at her and asked in horror "You're not going to diaper me in daytime as well?? I had a few accidents during the last nights, but never during the day!"
But she just looked at me and believed "My guess is that you have a major bladder problem, unless of course you once again wet on purpose last night? I trust you that you didn't, so it is better to also wear the diaper during the daytime."
And then I had no choice but to accept my fate, since I didn't want to lie to her. And so I laid down on the bed again, lifted my behind, spread my legs, and let her diaper me without resistance; only when she applied the cold cream generously I started to complain. But she just ignored it, pulled the diaper up between my legs and closed the tapes tightly. After she had pulled a fresh pair of diaper pants on, I wanted to get up, but she told me to stay seated on the side of the bed.
Now I was totally baffled - what was to come next? The answer came quickly, because mother selected the clothes she required me to wear and once more didn't allow me to dress myself. Although it was summer, she pulled a pair of tights on, thin though they were. After that a chemise and finally a dress that I got for my birthday from my godmother but never had to wear, since it was so childish-looking. Irritating enough I also had a pair of Mary Janes, which we had bought to attend a golden anniversary, to which mother and I had been invited, and were still in the cupboard, and these she also put onto me.
Even then she hadn't finished, and took me into the bathroom to brush my hair, but instead of my regular ponytail, she parted my hair in the middle and put it into two braids that she secured with rubber bands.
This whole procedure I let happen without resistance, because I was by then convinced that she was just playing a game with me, but I was rudely awakened when she remarked after she was ready with the braids "Well, let's go then", at which I stared at her blankly.
Chapter 5
"Let's go where?" I asked rather stupidly, since it should have been clear to me what she meant with the "let's go then".
"Today is Saturday, so we will need to go shopping if we don't want to starve in the following days."
As far as I could remember Saturday was our grocery day, on which we got all the supplies we needed during the week, and since mother preferred to get the groceries fresh from the produce market, we needed to go to the next town, since our village didn't have such a market.
"The way I look and am dressed I will go nowhere" I shouted obstinately and stamped furiously on the floor with my foot, crossed my arms in front of my chest and refused to be persuaded.
"Young lady", said mother, and when she used this expression she was not joking, "you come with me immediately and set yourself in the back of the car, or you will be punished."
My fear of her anger was stronger than my shame of how I looked, so I obeyed reluctantly, sat in the back of the car and let her fasten my seatbelt. After some fifteen minutes we arrived in town and she quickly found a parking spot. Mother got out, opened my seatbelt (which I now wasn't allowed to do myself anymore), got her basket from the trunk, took my hand and off we went to the produce market. For me it felt like tightrope walking, not only because it seemed to me everyone could see I was wearing a diaper, but also these stupid clothes, and then needing to walk at her hand.
I could cry, because I noticed how children of my age turned around after me and started laughing. "She is dressed like a little girl" I heard a girl say, and the boy she was with remarked "And she even walks on her mothers hand, like a baby."
The adults reacted very differently: whenever we stopped at a market stall to buy something, mother received several remarks from other women, who noticed what a well-behaved girl I was, walking at my mothers hand and dressed so prettily, and even with such cute braids - you didn't see that often anymore, and they congratulated her on such a dear child.
Mother was quite flattered by all these compliments and obviously in high spirits, while I was just standing there next to her and would have liked to dissolve into thin air for shame. Normally I enjoyed the time at the market, and while mother did the shopping I would go from stand to stand to look around, which often made my mother nervous when she couldn't immediately find me.
This time I was awful glad when we finally went back to the car, and I was in such a hurry that was at least 10 meter ahead of her all the time. "Hanna, come back and hold my hand immediately" mother commanded strictly, but when I was back on her hand I continuously pulled her towards the car. which she didn't care for at all.
Finally the car was only a few steps away, and I already thought that this ordeal had passed, when of all people my teacher, Miss Wegesend, the stupid cow, was passing by. Of course she and my mother knew each other from parent-teacher conferences, and when my teacher had given me a thorough inspection, she proclaimed "Well, Hanna, you look really adorable in your little dress, that really looks wonderful."
I could really have done without that compliment, but mother of course was rather pleased, and when Miss Wegesend suggested to her that I should also wear such clothes to school as a good example, she actually replied that that might be a really good idea, and that she had already considered sewing some dresses for me herself. And if that wasn't enough, she then also explained my alleged bladder problem to my teacher, and my diapers. Miss Wegesend was totally understanding, and thought that for the duration of the problem it should be possible for me to skip gym, so that I could wear diapers to school without problems.
Shortly after they said their goodbyes as old friends, while for me my whole world collapsed: going to school and in diapers, and perhaps even in these absurd clothes - no way!
Back home I wanted to help to bring the groceries in and store them away, like I always did, but mother thought that I shouldn't make the dress (which she herself had made fun of only a few months ago) dirty, and took me to my room where she took the dress off, hung it on a hanger, went into my wardrobe and pulled out a short-armed sweater that she put on me.
Only then should I help unload the car, but I didn't want to go out of the door, dressed in only a sweater and tights, which made my diaper quite visible. Only when she started the "Young Lady" again, I was persuaded to go outside like this, and the groceries had never been unloaded speedier than this time, because even though we lived fairly quietly, there were always people passing by.
Saturday afternoon we spent at our patio that luckily is situated behind the house and gets sun from morning to evening. We hardly had nestled ourselves in the loungers, when I asked my mother if she was really serious about sending me to school in diapers.
"Well, Hanna, it was a lucky coincidence that we ran into Miss Wegesend, because I hadn't known until now what a kind woman she is, and how understanding. So, why shouldn't you go diapered to school; since she wants to excuse you from gym I don't see any problem."
"Perhaps you don't, but I definitely do" I answered upset, "with these diapers everybody will see immediately what is wrong with me, and how do you think the other kids will react?"
"Yes, that is right" she admitted, "your diapers are pretty thick and easily recognizable, but in the medical supplies shop we also saw thinner diapers that would be ideal for school."
"But why should I wear diapers in the daytime anyhow, and then of all places to school? I don't understand."
"So that you won't wet yourself, my child. It's that simple."
"But mother, I have never wet myself during the daytime. You know that."
"Stand up and come to me, Hanna" she asked and when I stood next to her she quickly grabbed in my crotch and checked my diaper."
"My dear little Hanna, I believe is is nearly time to change your diapers." she said and smiled at me.
Unbelievingly I looked at her and felt between my legs myself to verify that I had stayed dry. But what was this - the diaper had actually grown heavier. I couldn't believe it, but on the other hand I had not used the toilet today at all, and when I thought about it I normally visited the bathroom every two hours. But how could I not have noticed wetting myself? Was it perhaps the sense of security the diaper offered that I didn't pay attention to the urge, but instead, like last night, let it run into the diaper? Tears filled my eyes and I started to cry, but mother stood up from her lounger, took my in her arms and tried to comfort me.
"It is not that bad, my little one, we will conquer this, but now I know at least that you haven't wet the bed on purpose last night, but really have a bladder problem, while I was half convinced you were a fraud. Hereby I want to apologize sincerely for that to you."
After these words I started to cry in earnest - what was to happen to me: was I, a big girl, to walk around in diapers all the time? Now I actually felt like a small child that still wets its pants, and I already saw myself go into school diapered, and perhaps even dressed as strangely as earlier today.
I sank back into my chair, but my thoughts were in turmoil, so I stood up again and went into the kitchen to drink a glass of water. Back on the patio I couldn't endure for more than a few minutes before I jumped up again to get something to read. This way the afternoon progressed, and mother, who liked to take a little afternoon nap, commented "You have always been an active and restless child, but now it has become really bad. If you won't calm down I might need to tie you down."
After what happened in the last few days I wasn't sure she didn't mean it, so I tried to settle down and not disturb her further. After dinner we nestled on the couch, and that evening I must have gotten up about 5 or 6 times to do one thing or another, or just stare out the window.
That night I was allowed to stay up until nine, since it was Saturday, but then it was time for me to go to bed. Like in the morning I wasn't allowed to undress myself, but had to let my mother take care of it all. After brushing my teeth and a quick wash she put me in a clean nightgown and into the sleep sack, and wished me goodnight. While I was sliding towards dream land, I decided to wake up tomorrow morning in a dry diaper.
It must have been because of the crappy Saturday, and all that happened to me, that I only woke when my mother entered my room, opened the curtains and let the daylight in.
"Now then, my little one, did you sleep well?" she asked and opened the zipper of the sleep sack, and directly felt between my legs if I had stayed dry during the night.
"Hanna, you have wet yet again; I am getting the feeling that you're going to need diapers for quite some time."
I stood there sobbing, but mother took me in her arms, squeezed me tight and said "Head up, my little one, we will weather this together."
After breakfast we followed the same procedure as the days before: I was washed, diapered and dressed. When she put me in that stupid dress of the day before, I asked her if she had any special plans for today.
"I think we can use some diversion, so we'll go to the zoo and make a nice day of it."
Such a visit to the zoo we made once every year, and normally I would have jumped for joy, but this time I couldn't get into the mood, because I would have to again go out in public with a thick diaper and this weird dress, and I didn't like that at all.
But when mother had made her decision, she stuck with it, and so, after she had packed a diaper bag, we were in the car shortly after and drove off. Luckily we could find a parking spot close to the entrance, and shortly after we got out I had forgotten all about the dress and the diaper. After we bought the tickets and entered the zoo proper, mother took my hand again, which I didn't like at all.
"please mama, I can walk on my own - it is stupid that I have to walk on your hand all the time." I begged.
This time she actually relented and I immediately made use of the opportunity to move ahead to an enclosure. Shortly after mother had caught up with me and made me understand that I was to stay at her side all the time, or we would be back to holding hands. For a while I behaved, but then I stayed to look at the hamsters, which she didn't notice and moved on unconcerned. Suddenly she noticed I was no longer at her side, backtracked and found me still at the hamster enclosure looking at the animals. When she reached me she said rather strictly, "You give me your hand right now, young lady." The rest of the time, except for lunch, she kept me on her hand continuously, whether I wanted to or not, and I really didn't.
Just as painful was it, when we were standing at a fence and looking at the animals, that other people regularly spoke to my mother "What a sweet daughter you have, and she is dressed so cutely." Or they said "You have raised your daughter really well, that she walks so obediently at your hand. You don't see that often nowadays."
In a way I was quite pleased when mother said the time neared to drive back home, but on the way to the outside she led me towards the toilets and through a door with a sign reading diaper station. Even before I could say anything she checked my diaper, and discovered that it wasn't very full yet, so I was spared being changed in the presence of other women changing their small children. But it was still shameful since the others there had seen that my mother checked my diaper.
It was already close to dinner time when we were back home, and the first thing mother did was take off my dress and replace it with the sweater. After dinner I was allowed to watch some TV, but at eight it was off to bed again, since school would start again the next day.
After she had took me through the evening diaper procedure and tied me down in my sleep sack, I was lying there thinking about what horrible surprises tomorrow would bring. Through the door standing ajar, I could hear her talking on the phone, but not what the conversation was about. Later I heard the whir of the sewing machine, but then I fell asleep and had no further thoughts.
The next morning I was awoken at the normal time and freed from the sleep sack, again my mother took off the nightgown, and the rest of the routine of the last few days, with the exception that I wasn't put in a diaper, but panties with an inlay and rubber pants over that. Then quite a normal skirt and blouse.
I would have preferred a pair of jeans and my beloved pony tail instead of a braid, but I was already overjoyed that I wasn't sent to school in diapers, like I had secretly feared. On time and in a good mood I took off to school on my bicycle.
When I came back home after 5 hours, I saw mother carrying several things from the back of the car into the house; I expected them to be supplies for some new things to sew. After putting my bike in the shed and greeting her, I inquired what things she had bought, but she just replied that I shouldn't be so nosy, and sent me off to my room to get changed.
"Fortunately I had put the rubber pants on you; otherwise your skirt would definitely have shown some wet spots" she mused, cleaned me with wet wipes, generously put cream and powder on and put another diaper on me. This one felt different and I looked down. Indeed, this diaper wasn't as thick as the ones I needed to wear at night, and didn't press my legs apart as much.
"How does your new diaper feel?" mother inquired.
"This one is much more comfortable than to thick night diapers; in these I can move freely."
"It pleases me, Hanna, that you like these, since you'll be wearing them to school starting tomorrow." and pulled my diaper pants on.
And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I was quickly proven wrong when my mother said:
"Look what I have found for you today; aren't they cute?"
Flabbergasted I stared at what she held up: it was a pair of yellow harem overalls with cat motif. "That is really only something for babies, so I would never wear such a thing."
"Oh, but you will: who still wets their diapers should wear such cute clothes, and there will be no discussion." she replied, put the overalls to the side and picked up a t-shirt. At least at first it looked like a bright blue t-shirt, but after I put my arms up and she pulled the alleged shirt over my head, I quickly realized that it was a body with short sleeves, closing with snaps in the crotch, which she promptly did. Then I had to turn around and she closed the zipper in the back, fiddled a while at my neck, and then put the harem overalls and slippers on me.
"Ready." she pronounced, "Now we can have have lunch."
On the way from my room to the kitchen we passed a tall dressing mirror, in front of which I automatically halted, because at first I didn't recognize myself. In these harem pants I looked so much like a baby that I hardly could believe it at first. And now I could see what she had done at my neck: she had added a little Peter Pan collar that made me look even younger.
[Note from the translator: while at the moment of translation (2015) harem pants and overalls are somewhat in fashion, and Peter Pan collars as well, the original story is at least 11 years old, so at that time apparently they weren't. I imagine these harem overalls to have a large bib at the front and the back, with elastic at ankles, waist and perhaps chest, the fabric billowing out, and thin straps or cords over the shoulders that are tied at the top.]
Just as I started to protest, I saw the look in my mothers eyes that warned me to stay quiet. And so I went into the kitchen well-behaved and sat at my place obediently. Anyway, lunch was one of my favorites: Potato pancakes with apple sauce. We had just started to eat when I jumped up to turn the radio on. A little while later I got up again because I thought I heard a car in the driveway, but I was mistaken. When I got up a third time to set the radio to another channel, my mothers patience was at an end.
"This is slowly getting to me, Hanna, can't you just still still? You jump up all the time, whether during meals or homework, and you make me nervous. But just wait, I'll figure out something."
The rest of the week passed just as the other days, always in diapers and rubber pants, and restrained in bed. But mothers schedule had changed, and she was at her sewing machine all the time. It was clear she was making things for me, because she had taken a lot of my measurements.
It was Friday, shortly before lunch, when the mailman brought us a package, and packages were what I loved best in the whole world. Unluckily it was addressed to mother and I dare not open it, but harassed her all the time to open it so that I could see what was inside.
Smiling she said to me "I am not so sure that you really want to learn what is inside the package."
"Is there something in for me, oh, please tell me, I'm getting all excited" I begged.
"Yes, the contents of the package is indeed for you. OK then, if you are that curious, you can unwrap it yourself."
She didn't have to say that twice, and I had realized that it would be something for me to wear, because it was not large or heavy. At least what was inside would be better than the stupid clothes I had been wearing these last days. Quickly the tape was cut off and I took out the contents, which was wrapped in one more layer.
"This feels strange" I mused before I had fully unwrapped it, but because of my curiosity I didn't give it a further thought. But what came out of the packages didn't look nice at all: the package revealed a mass of light brown leather straps with felt on one side. Suddenly I realized that this must be some sort of baby harness, but then how could this be for me? There had to be something else inside, but no, the box didn't contain anything else.
Offended I turned to mother, who, while I was searching through the package, had picked up the leather gear and ordered me to stretch my arms forward.
"No" I answered obstinately and full of pride, "I won't let you put such a thing on me!"
"Because of your impertinence, you are going to wear this non-stop for the next 14 days" mother threatened.
"I don't want to and I won't" I replied and put my arms behind my back.
"And now it will be four weeks that you will spend in the harness - be careful now what you say next!"
"No, I don't want to wear that thing, I am not a baby anymore!" I shouted furiously and stamped with my foot.
"And now it is going to be six weeks" decided mother, who gradually but steadily became angrier. Now stick your arms out or you'll experience a nasty surprise, young lady."
Oh, how I hated that phrase "young lady", because every time she used it I knew her patience was at an end, and I had better do whatever she wanted.
So I finally moved my arms from behind my back and stretched them in front of me, while I was crying bitterly. Only seconds later she had put the harness over my shoulders and ordered me to turn around. First she closed the harness in the back, and then she checked the shoulder straps and tightened them further. She seemed satisfied with the result, but fiddled around for at least two more minutes, and only then said "Look at you, my child, isn't that lovely?"
Enraged I tore at the straps, but they sat much too tight to pull off. Mother looked amused at my futile attempts to free myself and then took the reins that were attached to the right and left side of the harness in her hands. "With this beautiful weather we can also have our lunch at the patio" she said and ordered me to walk a meter in front of her.
Furiously I set off towards the patio with large steps, but abruptly I was stopped. "We will walk at a sedate pace inside the house, and not run" warned mother and held the reins firmly in her hands.
At the patio I let myself fall into my chair, still highly offended. Mother did something to the leash, but I couldn't see what, because I stared straight ahead, stubborn as a mule, and I decided never to exchange another word withe her. She would learn the consequences of putting me on a leash.
"How would you like Spaghetti Bolognese?" she asked me, but in my anger and also desperation I didn't answer.
She had hardly left for the kitchen when I got up and tried to release myself, but I had very little wiggle room, because she had fixed the reins, which had a ring in the middle, to a metal ring in the wall with a small padlock. I could just stand, but then the end of the seat pressed on the insides of my knees, which was so uncomfortable that I sat down again.
Actually I knew how such a harness was constructed, because I had, when we were visiting a sister of my mother, put my little nephew in one myself and went to take a walk with him.
So I thought that I just had to release the buckle at the back, and I would be free of it, but I noticed quickly that the belt in the back was secured and I wouldn't be able to open it on my own.
"OK, no problem" I thought, "then I'll just open the shoulder straps and step out of it", but that didn't work either because those buckles were locked as well. Desperately I started pulling at the harness, but it was no use; I was stuck.
"Well, Hanna, my joy, I hope you have a big appetite: I think this is the best Bolognese sauce that I ever made" said mother happily and put plates, cutlery and coasters on the table. And though I was still grumpy, I couldn't resist the spaghetti and dug in, and my intention to never speak to my mother again disappeared like melting snow in the sun.
During the meal the telephone rang, and automatically I jumped up to answer it, but had forgotten all about the harness. Even while I was getting up the chair was pressing at the back of my knees again, and I was rudely reminded of my lack of freedom and let myself fall into the chair again.
The telephone call lasted for quite a while, and when mother came back to the patio the rest of her spaghetti on her plate was already cold. "It doesn't matter" she mentioned, "this afternoon we have cake and anyhow it is better that I don't eat too much spaghetti, or I will have to follow a diet again.
Cake on a Friday? That was new. Mother was pretty strict with her figure, and any time she had gained even one pound, food only consisted of salads, cottage cheese and yogurt, and for me she didn't make an exception. Anyhow I was pleasantly surprised and was already looking forward to the treat in the afternoon.
I would have liked to help mother with cleaning the table and doing the dishes, but she just left me on the patio. Would that she had only turned on the radio or let me get my Gameboy, but no, I just needed to sit at the table until she was ready.
"What do you think, shall we make ourselves comfortable in the loungers and enjoy the nice weather?" she asked me.
"I would like that" I answered, "but let me get something to read."
"Sure, darling" she replied and unlocked the reins from the ring on the wall.
Finally I could move freely again and I went into my room to get the book. The reins irritated during the walking, because they bounced at the back of my thighs every step, so I carried the book in one hand and held the reins in the other.
When I arrived back at the terrace mother couldn't resist to say "That is really cute, that you are holding your own leash."
"Buh" I said, since I didn't like that kind of humor.
Directly after I sat down in the lounger and made myself comfortable, mother came to me and attached the leash to the chair.
"What is the matter now?" I asked pretty upset.
"You're more than welcome to read, darling, but I can't have you jumping up and disturb me every few minutes."
I found no words to reply, and gradually I started believing that I would be stuck in this harness for all of the next six weeks.
While mother took a nap fully relaxed, I delved into my reading material and time passed quickly. At around three o'clock mother woke up again, stretched, and told me it was time for me to be changed into something pretty.
This caused alarm bells to go off in my head; whatever would that mean? But she didn't react at all to my questions, but just freed the reins and I was to go in front up to my room. There she took of the overalls, checked my diapers, decided they would do, and put me in one of the new dresses that she had made for me in the last days.
This time it was a dress made out of red satin with a big bow and small buttons down the back, and in spite of the high temperatures I also had to wear tights, and let's not forget the Mary Janes. As soon as I was dressed I wanted to go back to the patio, but mother called me back.
"Now what?" I thought, but one glance at mother sufficed, because she held the harness in her hands, so I knew immediately that I was to wear that stupid thing once more. First I started to stall, but then I accepted my fate and put my arms through the harness, which mother quickly and safely secured at my back.
"And now we go back to the terrace, my dear." she told me and I went ahead obediently, not too fast this time, since I had learned by now to be subordinate.
At the patio I had to go back to my chair and like before mother locked the reins to the ring in the wall and then went into the kitchen and brought out small plates and cups for three persons, which she laid out on the table.
Only then I understood why she changed my clothes: she expected a visitor. But would mother really humiliate me to the core in front of another? The childish dress could perhaps still be explained, but what about the harness that connected me to the wall?
In anguish I called from where I sat: "Mother, did you invite a guest?"
"Would I have set the table for three if I didn't? Yes, we get a visitor soon."
"But mama, you don't really want anyone to see me here in a baby harness, do you? The dress and the diapers are really painful enough already, so please remove the harness?"
"Yes, Hanna, perhaps you have a point this time. Maybe I should take off your harness, but only when you promise me that you will stay in your chair and not get up all the time while our visitor is here?
"Yes mother, I promise I will not move from my place until the guest has left, truly."
"With slight hesitation my mother looked at me, but my pleading gaze seemed to convince her and she took the harness off.
"Oh goodness," I thought, "who can it be? Probably I won't be able to show my face anywhere after this without being ridiculed."
Then I heard voices from the hall; one obviously my mothers, but the other I knew as well, but couldn't quite place it at the moment. From pure nerves my bladder emptied itself, and I could feel that the absorbency of the diaper had nearly reached its max. But when the patio door opened and I recognized our visitor, all the urine I had left streamed like a waterfall out of me.
"How cute you look today!" said the visitor and I wanted to die on the spot.
With a bright red face I stood up and greeted Miss Wegesend, my teacher.
She stroked me over my head and asked "How are you today, my dear Hanna? But what kind of stupid question is that? Everyone can see that you are doing well."
"That really is a stupid question, you old headless hen, how I am doing in a baby dress and diapers." which of course I only thought, but instead said "Thanks very much, miss Wegesend, I am fine." And then mother arrived at the patio with the cake that my teacher brought, on a plate.
Both women started talking so excitedly, as if they had been best friends for years, and totally ignored me. First they talked about how my grades could be improved by more diligence and concentration: I was not stupid, but had simply not enough endurance when learning.
"Part of the problem is that she can never sit still for long; she jumps up again all the time, does something somewhere, and when she comes back to study, she has lost her thread." told mother.
The rest of the conversation I faded out; I just couldn't believe that both seemed to conspire against me. Only when the talk returned to clothes I started listening again, because it was about the things my mother made for me.
I picked up the conversation when miss Wegesend said "I would love to see what things you have created."
"Oh please, just follow me; I'd love to show you the clothes."
Stupidly I wasn't allowed to follow: I only got to see the things for the first time when they were put on me, but at least I could hear their voices:
"This one is really lovely, and quite suitable to be worn to school" I heard my teacher say, "and this one I quite like as well."
"This one I have to show you as well" continued mother, and only after an eternity both came down again. Miss Wegesend wanted to leave, but mother persuaded her to stay for one more coffee. As soon as both women took place on either side of me, mother's hand went between my legs without any inhibition, to check my diaper.
"Oh oh" she concluded, "someone needs a fresh diaper shortly."
That was again a trigger for my teacher, who inquired how long one diaper would last, and what kind of diapers I was using, at which mother explained everything at length, and came to the conclusion that it wouldn't hurt, when miss Wegesend would take 2 or 3 diapers with her to school, so that she was equipped for an emergency. Of course she found that an excellent idea, and since she was planning on leaving anyhow, she said goodbye to me, patted me on the cheek and gave me to understand that she wouldn't mind to take care of me.
Again I was left alone on the terrace, while mother pulled together an emergency diaper package. Not much later I heard the front door close and a car drove off, thank God, finally miss Wegesend was gone again.
"What a sympathetic woman" fancied mother when she returned, "so understanding. You are really lucky to have her as teacher."
Without waiting for my answer she started to clean the table and brought the tableware to the kitchen, while I still sat there and wondered if miss Wegesend was really planning on changing me at school.
Shortly after mother took me to my room, because she wanted to put a fresh diaper on me. Using the opportunity she took off my dress, to keep it from wrinkling, and after the diaper change gave me only tights and sweater to wear. I was just about to go to the living room when mother called:
"Hanna, haven't you forgotten something?" and held up the harness.
"Yes, mother" I simply replied and obediently I held out my arms.
The rest of that Friday we spent in the living room, and at nine I had to go to bed. After mother washed and diapered me (only my teeth I could still brush myself), and put on my night gown, I realized something: "Mother, the week of the full moon has passed, and you said that I wouldn't be restrained in the sleep sack anymore then."
"That is correct" said mother, "but at that time I was not yet aware that I have a small diaper girl as daughter once more, and furthermore it is quite comforting for me to know that you will be in your bed and not wander through the house or get a book to read when it is too late. No, I prefer to know you are well and secure, so into the sack with you."
I opened my mouth to voice some objections, but I couldn't win against her arguments, so I laid down in the bag and stuck my arms through the holes. Quickly the zipper was closed and once more I laid restrained in my bed.
Again I must have slept deeply, because I only woke when mother opened the curtains and gave me a kiss. This time I would have preferred to stay in bed for a while longer, but no, today I had to get up right away; apparently breakfast was already made, since I could smell the coffee and freshly baked rolls all the way from the kitchen. After a quick diaper check mother took me into the bathroom to give me a small cleaning. While I was brushing my teeth, she asked "When you have finished here, please come directly to the kitchen for breakfast."
I only nodded, since I had my toothbrush in my mouth, and was overjoyed that my mother had forgotten the harness. But that didn't last long, because when I arrived in the kitchen she was holding it up already. This time I didn't resist and let her put the harness on me without arguing. As always I sat down in my normal place on the bench, but mother decided that I should sit in a different place from now on, in the corner.
"But that is your place" I wondered.
"From now on it is your new place" she replied, took the reins and locked them to a metal ring that was mounted to the wall in the corner, which I had never seen before. Especially because the bench curved in the corner, the line was so taut that I could only bend forward a little bit over the table, but standing up, which of course I tried right away, was out of the question.
But that couldn't spoil my appetite, and I dedicated myself to my cocoa and fresh rolls. After breakfast, I remained tied until mother had cleaned the kitchen again.
"Would you like another cup of cocoa?" she inquired.
"Thanks, but not at the moment. Later perhaps?"
"OK, then I will pour the remainder in the cup and put it here for you."
After I was allowed up again mother freed me from the harness and we went to the bathroom together, where she took off my night gown and set me under the shower. Gradually I started to enjoy being washed and rubbed dry by mama, and it didn't bother me either when she blow-dried and brushed my hair; only the braids I could have done without.
After the morning diaper change I was dressed again in the body and the harem overalls, and immediately the harness on top. Because mother had something to do in the kitchen, I obediently walked a meter in front of her. This was a good opportunity to drink the rest of the cocoa, and I was just taking my first sip when mother went over to the fridge to check what supplies were running low. But she had forgotten that she was still holding the reins, and so the cocoa ended up on the overalls instead of in my mouth.
"Hanna, my little kitten, I am really sorry; that was not my intention!"
Of course I believed her, but it was a wonderful opportunity to say cheekily " I believe that you should first get your drivers license for reins, then such a thing wouldn't happen." And I was pleased as punch that I wouldn't need to wear these overalls anymore today.
At first mother stared at me quite surprised, but then burst into laughter and couldn't stop. "You seem to have a new saying there; how do you think of such a thing?" she blurted and then saw the state of my overalls.
"You'll have to get out of those right away, so back to your room. A change of clothes is required."
So, fine, harness off, step out of the overalls, and what then? Mother looked into my wardrobe but couldn't find anything suitable.
"Just a moment, I'll be right back" she concluded and and went into her, recently locked, work room, where her sewing machine was. Quickly she was back and had brought something with her.
"Normally you would only have started wearing this on Monday, but I wanted to check first if it fit anyhow." and showed me her newest creation.
Again it was something like harem pants, only this time in baby blue, and it seemed rather long. But I didn't get the time to investigate, since mother first put my left and then my right leg into the leg openings, pulled the pants up and up, and then I had to stick my arms through non-adjustable shoulder straps. Next she pulled up the zipper in the back, tidied the fabric here and there, and put the harness back on.
Now I would have even preferred the overalls, because this monstrosity ran up all to way to my armpits and was held up by two broad and sturdy straps.
"To the car" mother ordered and let me go in front as usual. This time even without holding the reins, so I held them up myself, since they irritated during the walking. Of course I stopped at the dressing mirror to take a look at my image, which confirmed what I had feared: this blue thing was even worse than the yellow overalls. But I stayed quiet, since I realized by now that mother was not open to arguments.
Shortly after we were on our way to the next town, like on any Saturday, to do our shopping at the market. This time we weren't so lucky with the parking space, and we had to walk a fair bit to reach the market. The whole time I had the feeling everybody was staring at me, and so I kept my head down, while mother was again in a shining mood and again was complimented here and there on such a neatly dressed and well-behaved daughter. It was all so humiliating that my bladder spontaneously emptied itself, and I was really glad that mother had also put rubber pants on me.
At the vegetable stand she was approached by a woman with whom she quietly chatted and then wrote something on a note, while the two daughters of the woman, who stood a few feet away, seemed to be making fun of me, which almost drove me to tears. But when the woman who had spoken with mother saw that her daughters (I guessed they were 8 and 11 years) were laughing at me, she began to scold them, saying that they would be in for a surprise in the near future.
As soon as we completed our shopping, we went back to the car, me always ahead just so far that the reins were a little taut. After everything that was bought had been stored in the car, mother drove on to a pharmacy and got baby cream, powder and some other stuff. Then we went on to the medical supplies shop. There she asked me if I would prefer to stay in the car. I didn't feel like hearing any more comments about how I looked, so my answer was clear and mother went in alone.
To my surprise she was back within a few minutes, and carried only a small plastic bag. Curious as ever I wanted to know what she had bought, and she told me that she had gotten a few more diaper pants in neat colors.
That she had bought something extra at both the pharmacy and the medical supply shop, she didn't tell me, since she wanted to surprise me in the evening, which was 100% successful.
Back home we, just like the Saturday before, unloaded the supplies from the car and into the kitchen, but this time I wasn't in as much of a hurry; I hardly cared anymore if anyone from the village saw me or not. After a quick lunch, with only sausages and potato salad, mother proposed to go to the coast for a while and walk along the dike.
Shortly after I was freshly diapered, and this time mother, when I sat down in the car, even took off the harness, because it pressed a little into my back. After half an hour we reached a secluded area, somewhat away from the busy coastal towns. We hardly had left the car when mother held up the harness again, and secured it in the back. With mother holding the reins we walked for quite awhile along the top of the dike, and let the fresh wind caress our faces. Eventually we had enough and turned around towards the car; we still had to walk all the way back. We had miscalculated the distance and were quite exhausted by the time we finally reached the car again.
"Phew" panted mother, "that was quite a walk. Now quickly home - I need to use the toilet urgently."
"I don't" I replied and suggested to her that she might wear a diaper as well on such longer excursions, but she laughingly declined: one diaper wearer in the house was enough.
Back home she ran off to the bathroom, but called to me to collect the mail. Apart from the daily paper, brochures and a telephone bill there was a large, lined envelope that immediately triggered my curiosity. When I asked mother, who by then had joined me in the living room, what was in it, she replied "It is once again something for you.", but this time I wasn't so anxious to inspect the contents - the memory of package with the harness was still too fresh.
After dinner, during which I once more was locked to the wall, we went back to the living room to wind down from the day. Mother checked the TV guide and noticed that there would be a movie on in the evening that I would enjoy, but I told her that it was no use to me as I was supposed to go to bed at 9.
"Hanna, I make you a proposal: you change and prepare for the night before it starts, and then you can watch it to the end - what do you think?"
Of course I was wildly enthusiastic and immediately agreed. So we went to my room where she took off the harness, the harem jumpsuit and the body. Quickly we went into the bathroom, I brushed my teeth and mother removed my diaper, which wouldn't have lasted much longer anyhow. After she had put cream and powder on, which in my opinion she did much too generously, she put two of the thick inlays in the diaper this time, because she reasoned that I would have to wait longer than normal for the next change. Then she pulled one of the new diaper pants on. I was already getting up to be put into a night gown, but she said that I should keep lying there, and went to the wardrobe to get something.
"Look at this Hanna, isn't it cute?" and held up a blanket sleeper with feet and a zipper in the back.
Without waiting for an answer she pulled the sleeper over my feet and up my legs. Then I had to get up and she pulled it up far enough for me to put my arms in the sleeves, after which I had to turn around and she closed the zipper in the back.
"Don't you look adorable in your onesie?" she asked and held up the harness. Automatically I stuck my arms in, though I wondered why she bothered, because when I checked the living room earlier I had found no ring to which she could attach the reins.
This time I was allowed to walk on my own in spite of the harness, although waddle would be a better term: the extra thick diaper forced me to walk bow-legged. Of course I stopped in front of the mirror to inspect myself critically, but this time I agreed with mother that it was a cute outfit, and I actually had to admit that I liked it better than the night gowns, which I also told mother. She was quite proud of that, since she had sewn it herself. Her pleasure in my approval was obvious, and I made up my mind not to give her such a hard time anymore about the clothes she made especially for me. It would have been easier though if I wouldn't have to wear them to school as well.
In the living room we settled ourselves on the couch: mother put her legs up and a pillow in her lap for me to put my head on. Indeed there wasn't a place where mother could lock the reins to, but instead she just wound her arm around it so she had control over me the whole time.
The movie was enjoyable; it was a love story and my eyes didn't stray from the screen. When mother asked if I wanted to drink something, I answered "Yes, I would, but we're sitting so comfortably, so don't get up."
"I have prepared something in advance" mother said and reached next to her. Because I often drank from a juice box with a straw in the living room, after I had spilled or tipped a glass over a few times, I thought nothing of it when she said to me: "Here I have your apple juice, please open your mouth."
But instead of a straw she put a nipple in my mouth. "What is this?" I mumbled because she was holding the bottle.
"This is apple juice in a feeding bottle. I hope you still remember how to suckle?"
"Of course I still knew, and it was a nice feeling to drink from such a bottle again, so I emptied it to the last drop.
"Good girl" mother praised, made another grab to her left and produced a pacifier. "And how do you feel about a pacifier, my kitten?" and showed me a pacifier that seemed rather big to me.
She could see that I was wondering about its size, and explained: "This one is especially made for larger children. Do you want to give it a try?"
No mama, I don't want a paci, then I would truly be a baby." I replied, although I was a bit curious to try it out, but I wouldn't admit to that.
"Come on, Hanna, just try it for 10 minutes - if you don't like it I'll put it away again. Agreed?"
I could live with that and allowed mother to put the pacifier in my mouth. At first it was a strange feeling, but then I started to suckle on it against my will.
After a lot more than 10 minutes, mother grabbed the pacifier and asked "Shall I put it away again?"
I shook my head, answered only with a "Nuh, nuh" and suckled on. It was so relaxing, that I even missed the end of the movie because I had fallen asleep.
Mother told me the next day that she had woken me, brought me to my room, quickly took of the harness and put me in my sleep sack. Apparently I again resisted her taking away my pacifier, but I can't remember anything - I must really have been more asleep then awake.
After we had breakfast that Sunday morning, and I was ready to be changed, I asked mother where my pacifier was: I still had it when I got up, but after that is seemed to have disappeared without a trace.
"I put that away" she answered, "otherwise you'd be walking around with it all day."
"Can't you give it for the duration of the diapering and dressing? That's what they do with babies, don't they?"
"So do you want to be a baby again, Hanna?"
"Yes, but only a big baby."
"But even a big baby needs to always do exactly as her mother tells her, must always be obedient and well-behaved - are you aware of that?"
"Yes, I know, and I am willing to do that. Can I have my paci now?", during which I looked as adorable and beseeching as I could.
"OK, OK, you win" she grinned and got the pacifier. Expectantly I opened my mouth when she came back, and she held it up to my lips, but instead of sticking it in she teased me around my mouth.
"When and where you can use your pacifier is my decision, right?"
"Yes, mama" I replied and got antsy from pure impatience.
"And when I do give you your pacifier, you will keep it in your mouth until I remove it again?"
"Yes mother, for sure, scouts honor."
"It will be as you wish" she decided and finally put the pacifier where it belonged in my opinion - namely my mouth.
After the diapering and the rubber pants, a pair of white tights and a chemise, she pulled a dark blue velvet dress from the wardrobe that held all my new clothes, which she pulled over my head and buttoned closed.
"I had one just like this once before" I concluded surprised, mumbling a bit because of the pacifier.
"When you were four I made the exact same dress for you, with a white collar and cuffs. Why do you ask; don't you like it?"
"Oh I do, I actually like it a lot" I countered and thought to myself that I particularly liked it since it wasn't especially babyish, but my mother didn't need to know that.
"That is nice, Hanna, I am flattered. I need to get something from my work room; in the mean time you can put on the harness."
"Now that is funny" I thought, "otherwise I am not even allowed to undo a single button, and now I must put on the harness by myself?" But I obeyed - didn't I just promise to always be obedient and well-behaved - so I put my arms into the harness and pulled it over my shoulders.
"That is how I like to see it" mother pronounced enthusiastically, when she came back into my room, holding a piece of folded terry cloth in her hand.
She put the cloth on the dresser, buckled the harness closed and ordered me to stay there for one moment more. She picked up the cloth again, unfolded it, put it over my chest, and then I felt her making a bow at my neck.
"You tied a bib on me! I don't want that."
"Since when do babies have a say in what happens to them? Didn't you just promise me to be obedient all the time?"
I nodded and mother said "So you see, a bit of good will goes a long way. But now the suckling is finished, and we will have breakfast at last."
Quickly she grabbed the ring on the pacifier and whether I wanted or not I had to release it, and she put it in a small plastic box with a lid.
As soon as I was locked in my seat in the kitchen, I looked at the clock on the wall: "It is still before nine o'clock, why did we get up so early on a Sunday?"
"Because we'll be going to church today for a change; the last three weeks we haven't managed to."
"Oh, OK" I just replied. There was no use making any more remarks, since mother insisted on regular church visits.
At least we still had time to have a relaxed breakfast, even though we needed to go to the next town for our church, since there was only a church of another persuasion in our village.
After mother cleaned up, unlocked me from the wall and took off the bib, got her handbag and took my leash, I started moving towards the front door when mother stopped me with a gentle pull on the reins, and told me "We need to go to my work room for a moment."
These last days mother was full of surprises, but what she was planning on now, I could not imagine. The only thing that drew my attention there was a stretch of white fabric with a pattern of tiny holes, that was there on a hanger, but I couldn't make sense of it. But still it was the thing mother was aiming for. She put her hand bag on the table and took the fabric off the hanger. In the middle there was a hole large enough to put my head through. Only then I realized that this was some sort of apron with fabric equally long in the front and the back.
The front part was already hanging down straight, and the back she pulled through the reins. Then she knotted the two tapes on each side of my waist into bows, to keep the apron in place.
"You look like a picture" mother enthused, "this kind of apron we used to wear when I was young, but a pretty one like this only on Sundays." Then she decided that is was time to leave, but I was allowed to take one glance in the mirror.
"Yuck, I looked ridiculous. The only upside was that the harness was hidden apart from the reins, that mother took hold of again, but that was really the only bonus. I considered such an apron stupid and laughable, especially with all the rushes.
"You don't seem to like your apron that much." mother wondered, but because I had promised to be a good girl, I replied "But I think it is pretty, mother, it is just that I have never seen something like this before."
"Oh, Hanna, you don't know how happy you make me, now that you are such an obedient, sweet girl. You were always likable, but now I love you even more."
Mother looked so happy when she said it, that I decided to always be well-behaved in the future and never disappoint her.
But then it was high time that we got into the car, because we could only just make the service on time. But then, strangely enough as always when you are in a hurry, the telephone rang. Mother answered the call, listened briefly and said: "Yes, that's fine. I'll see you in the afternoon."
"Are we getting visitors today?" I asked when we were on our way.
"Yes, your favorite aunt comes today from Bremen for a short visit."
"Oh, great, aunt Renate comes; that is wonderful."
Renate, the youngest sister of my mother, is only 8 years older than me. We always have understood each other very well, and I only call her aunt when mother is around, since she herself finds it nonsense, but around her sister she has to accept it.
We arrived at church with 4 minutes to spare, and while mother listened attentively to the pastor, my mind started wandering: what would Renate say about my changed appearance, and could I convince mother to skip the harness this afternoon, etc, etc.
At least the service, which I always found boring, passed quickly, the organist played the last hymn, mother took the reins, and we left the church.
We had almost reached the car when a voice called "Oh, Miss Schaefer, how nice to see you and sweet Hanna here, I must introduce you to the ladies of our church community, who are over there, because I told them all about you and dear Hanna, and the ladies insist on meeting you and your daughter."
"Well, Miss Wegesend, what a pleasant surprise to see you here. How are you doing? I was expecting another visit from you." mother almost purred while I wished that my teacher would vanish into thin air.
"Yes, I feel really bad about that, but you know how we teachers are always pressed for time. If it is OK with you, I'd like to come by tomorrow afternoon."
During this conversation we were already walking towards the ladies of the community, but this time I didn't walk slightly in front of them, like how I was normally instructed by mother to do. Instead mother had to pull on the reins repeatedly to get me moving at all. The sight alone of these chattering ladies that made up the church community was enough to create a strong aversion. This group consisted of around 15 women in the ages of 25 to 65, all rather conservatively dressed and holding a prayer book in their hands.
As soon as we reached the ever-so-pious group (mother held the reins closely and more or less shoved me instead of me walking willingly), there were remarks like "Isn't it nice to finally meet you in person, miss Schaefer, we heard so many good things about you from miss Wegesend", or "And you must be little Hanna, you are such a sweet girl, and what a beautiful dress and apron you are wearing, simply adorable!"
The conversation dragged on endlessly from my perspective, and finally mother was invited to come to their meetings in the community center every Wednesday, to which mother answered that she'd love to, but as a single mother had no one to babysit me.
"But Hanna should come along; there are more children there, and she would undoubtedly enjoy herself."
"If that is the case, we would like to come, and are looking forward to it, right Hanna?"
"Yes, of course, mother."
"See what a sweet girl Hanna is" one of the ladies remarked, before we went back to the car; this time with me as far ahead as the reins allowed, to get away from these dreadful ladies as quickly as possible.
After mother got a cake from the bakery we drove back to our village. The whole way she chattered enthusiastically about these lovely ladies and how she was looking forward to their meetings, because in our village she had few contacts with other women. And for me it would also be great to meet the other children, and would surely have great fun.
I wasn't convinced about that at all, and in my opinion these Wednesday afternoons were likely going to be incredibly boring.
Back home mother first put a frozen pizza in the oven, and next we went into my room to change. Quickly she removed apron, harness and dress, and put me in a onesie and a jumper that was so short that it didn't fully cover my behind, but not before she checked the diaper between my legs, like she did increasingly often these last days. When she held up the harness, I asked her if it was possible to forgo it this afternoon, since aunt Renate would be visiting. She considered it, but replied "Aunt Renate should see that you are a big baby; anything else would not be honest to her, and apart from that you got yourself into this situation, or have you already forgotten that?"
"No mama, of course I haven't, but when I was so naughty, that was simply the old Hanna, and now I am your big baby girl and always sweet and obedient."
"And when her mother tells the big baby girl that she will be secured in her harness, what does that sweet and obedient baby do?"
"Stick out her arms and let the harness be put on to her" I answered and put up my arms. Within seconds she had put me back into the harness and secured it, directed me to the kitchen and again I was locked to the wall in my seat.
After lunch she told me that it would be another two hours before aunt Renate would arrive, so we should take advantage of the nice weather, and use the loungers on the patio. Of course she was mainly interested in taking her afternoon nap, but she would never admit that. After she had released the reins I asked nicely if I could retrieve my book, to which she didn't object, but she did remark: "Only a few days ago you wouldn't have dreamed about asking for permission - I can see how much of an improvement this harness has achieved. I really have to consider to keep using it on you it the future."
An ice-cold shiver went through my spine; I was counting down the days I still needed to wear it, and then such a remark from mother, and I really couldn't tell whether she was joking or not. So I decided to keep quiet, get my book and lie down. After mother had fixed the reins to the lounger again, she took place on hers.
Somehow I had a need to talk and told her about this and that, so mother didn't get any rest. "Child, child, you talk incessantly" she said, went into the kitchen, came back with my pacifier and stuck it into my mouth.
"Now there will hopefully be some quiet." she considered and laid down again.
Great, I thought, now I know what I need to do when I want my paci, just talk a lot. Then I took my book, and started to read while suckling.
It must have been the pacifier that made me fall asleep, and I only woke when mother said: "It is getting time, Hanna", took my pacifier away, checked my diaper and changed me.
Aunt Renate arrived almost half an hour late, which didn't lessen the joy of being reunited at all. After she hugged me and gave me a kiss, she took a good look at me. "You are dressed like a small child" she pronounced and pointed at the harness while looking at mother.
"I don't know what is going on here and why Hanna wears such a dress, but the harness surely is too much; I can't believe my eyes."
Even if Renate hadn't already been my favorite aunt, she would have been instantly promoted to that position; with only a few remarks she achieved that mother took off the harness. Finally she had encountered some opposition and I stealthily rejoiced about that.
While drinking coffee, we explained Renate how I had ended up in diapers and childish clothes. She needed a long while to process it all, and then we went to my room because she wanted to see the sleep sack.
Back at the terrace she asked me straight whether I really wanted to be a big baby, whether I enjoyed wearing such clothes, whether it bothered me to be tied to the bed at night, etc. She couldn't understand that I actually liked it.
Therefore I explained to her, that wearing diapers didn't bother me and that I even loved being diapered by mother, even apart from me really not being able to hold my bladder anymore. Even the clothes I liked wearing, more so at home than in school though, which earned mother another stare from Renate. Finally she wanted to know my favorite part of being a baby girl, and I replied with a blush: "My pacifier".
"Now isn't that interesting" she said with a mock indignant voice while looking at me. "My dear sister got her sweet daughter a pacifier! You need to know one thing, Hanna: when I was 5 years old, I still had a pacifier that was my favorite thing in the whole world, and guess who pressured mother and grandmother so long that they took it away because I was supposed to be too old for it? Yes, it was your mother and no one else, and she didn't care at all that it spent many a sleepless night because of it."
"Oh my god" mother laughed "will you hold that against me forever? At that time you hardly ever took it out, and you were ridiculed all the time in kindergarten - you shouldn't forget that."
"But at home and for the night you could have let me have it. Anyhow, that is no longer an issue, since it was 13 years ago. But it would interest me what kind of pacifier you got for Hanna; why don't you show me?"
"Why not", mother decided, went into the house, and quickly came back with my pacifier to show it to Renate.
"Wow, that is a big one, I don't think I have ever seen one like that before" she wondered, looked it over closely, and gave it to me. "Take it in your mouth for a moment, I want to see what that looks like."
"I shouldn't" I replied, "I had to promise mother that I would never put it in myself."
"But I would be allowed to give it to you" Renate answered with a glance at mother, who nodded in response, and my aunt put the pacifier in my mouth. I started suckling immediately.
While mother and Renate were chattering, I was sitting there quietly and enjoyed being able to suckle on my pacifier once more. Often Renate glanced at me and I got the impression that she might even be a little jealous.
These glances were also noticed by mother, who asked her sister "You seem quite fascinated by Hanna's pacifier. It seems to me that you would want one yourself as well."
"Oh, I don't know about that, I am an adult now, even though remembering mine still gives me a pleasant tingle." and took a pack of cigarettes and lighter from her purse.
Mother, who really hated smoking, shook her head and started to take away the dirty dishes. Renate wanted to help, but mother pointed out that she was a guest here and should stay seated. After a few minutes she came back, told Renate to open her mouth, and shoved in another pacifier.
"So" she said satisfied, "now we can finally put the old pacifier story to rest, and you won't need the cigarettes this way. I actually have always considered a pacifier as replacement therapy for you." and she took away the cigarette, held it under the tap, and threw it into the dustbin.
At first Renate didn't react at all, then started to suckle, and only after a long while she said around the pacifier, but with bright eyes "What a great feeling, I didn't remember how wonderful this suckling is."
After mother had finished doing the dishes, she came back to us and took away our dummies. "We also want to chat, and suckling you can always do later."
There was still a lot to talk about, and every time Renate felt the urge to light a cigarette, she (and me too) got her pacifier for another 10 minutes, and this way Renate didn't smoke a single cigarette the whole time she was here.
The afternoon was over way too fast, and after dinner Renate said her goodbyes, since she still had an hours drive ahead of her.
"Renate, don't you want to take your pacifier with you?" mother asked.
"I'd love too", she replied with a smile, "but only if I can pay for it."
"That is fine, it will cost one pack of cigarettes and a disposable lighter." mother answered and held it out to her.
First Renate paused, but then she handed over the requested items and received the pacifier in return, which she quickly put away in her handbag, started her car, honked once and drove off.
"Shall I already prepare you for the night, so we can watch a little more TV" mother proposed, to which I had no objections at all.
While we were watching a program, I first got a bottle and then my pacifier, and we talked about Renate for a long while. Just before I needed to go to bed, mother decided I no longer needed to wear the harness all the time, although it would always be used while I was doing homework, because otherwise, instead of concentrating on my work, I would have other things on my mind all the time and get up frequently. One condition for forgoing the harness was, that I would behave accordingly, or else she couldn't guarantee anything.
And if that were not enough good news, she also told me that in the future I would still wear clothes to school that were decent and cute, but the really pretty dresses would be reserved for use at home and when we were going somewhere.
Later, when I was in my sleep sack once more and suckled on my beloved pacifier, I made a resolution to be the sweetest baby girl in the whole world.
Monday morning I indeed got to wear a blouse and, over my day diaper and rubber pants, a wide skirt with a petticoat underneath. It was the first time I had worn a petticoat and I immediately loved the feeling of the nylon swishing around when I walked.
I still had to wear a bib during breakfast, but I didn't mind since it was only mother seeing me like that. And, as promised, she did forgo the harness, which I really appreciated. I was careful not to get up during breakfast without her permission, because it was clear that she was testing me. This time I didn't have to listen to any denigrating comments during school breaks, but instead many class mates complimented me on the cool petticoats. "Thanks, aunt Renate" I thought.
When I was leaving the classroom at the days end, miss Wegesend said "See you later, Hanna."
Oh dear lord, I had all forgotten about my teacher coming to visit in the afternoon, and I started to fear she and mother would concoct something that I wouldn't like.
After putting my bike in the garage, I didn't smell any prepared food, which suggested we probably were on a diet again, because mother gained a couple of grams.
After the hello kiss came the unavoidable diaper check, and mother decided it would be better to change me now, since there would be little time in the afternoon with miss Wegesend visiting.
First I got the pacifier, which she put into my mouth lovingly, and then I was undressed by her, cleaned, richly powdered and creamed, then another of those thick night diapers and diaper pants, a yellow t-shirt body and then again into the blue harem jumpsuit, which she liked so much. Too bad she took away the pacifier away again as soon as I was dressed, and put a bib on me when we were back in the kitchen.
I would have liked to let the disgust show on my face when I saw what we had for lunch: fruit muesli with small pieces of banana. While mother dug in, I took small bites all the time, and she had finished way before me.
"Hanna, you're dawdling" she said, took my spoon away and started feeding me, wiping my mouth in between. First I found it stupid, but gradually I started enjoying myself, which mother of course noticed.
"Well, my little one, you seem to enjoy being fed again" she considered, at which I smoothed against her and asked if we could do this more often.
"We'll see, perhaps" she replied ambivalently.
There was a hour left before miss Wegesend was coming and mother decided that I was to use the time to do my homework. To my delight, she omitted the harness and I was clever enough not to remind her.
Even before I had finished my homework, miss Wegesend had already arrived in the kitchen.
"That is right, Hanna, always make your homework first, so that you are free to do whatever you like the rest of the day."
I got up to greet her and we went to the patio together and set down at the table, which mother had already set for coffee; unluckily without plates for cake.
"Oh, miss Schaefer, how cute Hanna is dressed again; she looks delightful." and continued to tell she had already received phone calls from two other mothers from my class, who would like to know where to get these beautiful clothes.
"It might be a challenge to find such clothes in the stores", mother replied.
"Exactly, miss Schaefer, I told the women that, and they asked me to inquire with you if you would feel like, and have time to make clothes for their daughters too, of course for fitting compensation."
Mother liked that proposal immediately, because it would allow her to have more contact with women in the village, and also found it an exciting thought that girls in the village would walk around in her creations. First she hesitated a bit, but then told miss Wegesend that the women could contact her about it.
Before the conversation turned to the main reason for her visit, miss Wegesend asked the way to the bathroom. While mother was showing her, I realized that a large portion of my diaper pants were hanging there on the drying rack, but I didn't really care, since my teacher not only knew about my bladder problems, but even had a diaper emergency package at school for me.
"There is such nice equipment available nowadays; Hanna's diaper pants sure look cute." she proclaimed enthusiastically, when she arrived back at the patio, and shared that the diapers must be substantially better than in the past, otherwise she would have already needed to change my diaper in school long ago.
"That I could do without" I thought and then had to listen for half an hour to them talking about different diapers and inlays, powder, cream and diaper pants. Only then the conversation turned to the real reason of the visit, and, like I suspected, I didn't like it one bit.
"Hanna is quite a good student, but she could do even better. At the moment she has a 3.4 grade average [note from the translator: this is on a scale from 1 to 5, so comparable to a C+/B- in the USA], and I believe that with a little more diligence and perseverance she could significantly improve this score. Because of this, miss Schaefer, I have created a learning program for Hanna that consists of three parts: first a repeating of the material that has already been covered, secondly extra homework, and thirdly processing ahead the material that will only be dealt with in class a few days later." Mother was immediately hooked on this proposal, while my enthusiasm was more than limited.
"But miss Wegesend, we can't accept this offer, since that will create so much extra work for you, which we really can't ask of you, wonderful though it might be." Mother looked at me and asked: "What do you think, Hanna, would we dare to accept such a generous offer?"
"That would be too much work for miss Wegesend, who is already so busy as a teacher" I replied with an innocent look.
Before mother could say anything more, my teacher jumped in: "Hanna is such a sweet and demure child nowadays, and therefore I would love to do it. Apart from I must admit that I have a small ulterior motive."
"Now, miss Wegesend, you and ulterior motives? I don't really believe that. What could it be?"
"Well, miss Schaefer, I happen to have a 13 year old niece. My sister and her husband have been looking for quite a while where they could get really nice dresses for her. Since Hanna is always dressed so impeccably, I told my sister about her, and she immediately asked if you couldn't make something like that for her daughter as well."
"But miss Wegesend, nothing would please me more than to do you a favor; of course I would create something for your niece."
Shortly after my teacher had left, mother told me "What a beautiful and successful day" and she was in such a good mood, that she even gave me my pacifier during the day.